12/01/05 Thursday

I’ve had this idea brewing lately, just working my next photo series around in my head. I think I am finally ready to face some feminist issues, though why is feminist is such a harsh word? Why does feminism stir up such bad connotations? The definition is pretty simple. At least to me.

Main Entry: fem•i•nism
Pronunciation: 'fe-m&-"ni-z&m
Function: noun
1 : the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
2 : organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests

I’m not exactly sure how I want to do it, but I think I am ready to incorporate some feminine issues into my art. If you look at my portrait pages you can see the feminine images are trying to say something. The girl locked in the attic, the red girl in the dirty mirror, the broken mirror, and the shrouded woman. I know I want to go somewhere with these images, but I haven’t decided where. I want to say something, but not sure exactly what. Should I be obvious, subtle, should I scream from the rooftops “I am a powerful woman and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

Women are closest to godliness. Women create through birth, nurture and punish like nature, they are the closest creature to a creator. Yet why is god seen as male? When exactly did men dominate women? Was it a caveman thing? Granted men are stronger so did they somehow chain and beat down the womanly spirit? Why do women continue to live passively. We have such potential for power.

Unfortunately being an enlightened woman also comes with its pitfalls. That’s what my series will be about. The issues women face in society. The questions we ask ourselves: Am I pretty enough? Skinny enough? Rich enough? Well dressed enough? I want to break through those issues like a mirror who reflects an image seen through eyes with self esteem issues. Where exactly did those issues come from? Who imposes this idea of beauty? Does man create it?

So many questions to answer. Yet how do I do it? Do I want symbols, words, or expressions to ask my questions…. It will work itself out. It takes me awhile to brew an image and then create it.

12/02/05 Friday

Getting cold. You know cold when it is in the negative degrees. When your skin gets cold, rough and dry and you cant walk outside without every piece of skin being covered. It makes the 30 degree days feel like summer.

12/03/05 Saturday

Calm weekend hanging out with friends.

12/06/05 Tuesday

Finally got some xmas shopping done. HO HO ho. Consume.

Did you see the photos of military guards outside of stores in New York? Do you smell Marshall Law? Consume or die.

12/07/05 Wednesday

I heard on the radio today that Congress gave yet more tax cuts to the rich, while taking away welfare and food stamps from the poor. It’s obvious people. Unfortunately it was not widely reported. People should be angry, but instead they are oblivious.

12/08/05 Thursday

Tis the season to consume. Yet right wing extremists complain about the grinch stealing Christmas. Sheeple need to wake up and see that it is the corporations that have taken over Christmas. They are the ones who mass produce this idea of a holiday season. I hate shopping.

12/09/05 Friday

Somehow at the end of a very long day and evening I turned on Titanic. What a waste of my time. I could not resist laughing at how predictable and sappy it was. Total shit.

12/10/05 Saturday

Can you believe I bought a piece of photographic equipment the size of a C battery and it cost me 50 bucks. Some days I wonder why I chose such an expensive profession!

Went to a friends 30th birthday at a suburban sports bar. I never felt comfortable the whole night. It took all of my strength not to pick a fight with the group of ignorant fucks outside smoking. I could not tolerate listening to their intolerant bullshit. “I was born here and if you don’t like Christmas then get the fuck out”. I wanted to ask him if he was a Native American Indian, or why he felt his religious belief was more important than anyone elses? Where does this intolerant ignorance come from? Are people really that stupid?

12/11/05 Sunday

I am exhausted after a busy day shooting an event for a business. I am getting excited about working for myself. I am so proud of myself.

Unfortunately I keep thinking of new equipment that I need. I need a new light meter that reads strobes, a new light stand for one of my lights, etc. I could go on, but I wont.

12/12/05 Monday

94 Eastbound into Saint Paul and Westbound to WI finally opened. 3 lanes uninterrupted from Hudson, WI into the Twin Cities. Funny thing is the first day it was open, it was already clogged. Just a see of headlights flooding the cities.

It’s obvious our traffic systems cannot accommodate the amount of traffic. If the population doubles like it is supposed to in 10 – 15 years, then gridlock will become a 24 hour thing.

And what is being done? Instead the US is spending hundreds of billions of dollars in other countries like Iraq to improve their way of life? What about the US citizens? What is the government doing to insure the citizens will have a good way of life? Nothing. No our governments are cleaning the cupboards and leaving giant IOUs.

12/13/05 Tuesday

Why do people feel it is their right to ride in the left passing lane doing under the speedlimit. ITS THE PASSING LANE!! Are they stupid, oblivious, assholes, or just retarded? They see a mass of traffice behind them, and people passing on the right, but they still dont yield. I just don’t get it.

Some days I miss Boston’s public transportation.

12/14/05 Wednesday

Foggy. So foggy.

12/16/05 Friday

Got to watch “Left of the Dial” about the start of Air America. I knew they had a rocky start, but wow, after barely a week of being on the air the check bounced. I am so thankful they stayed on the air.

12/17/05 Saturday

The mall parking lot was so crowded I didn’t even turn into it, I went to the antique store instead. Traffic was insane, I could not handle it.

12/18/05 Sunday

Negative degrees. The bitter sting of the wind on your skin. The sewers steaming in the thin air. The choking breathes of that cold air.

12/19 Monday

Another week starts.

12/20 Tuesday

Caught up in the undertow.

You never know just how you look through other people’s eyes. The truth can be so ugly, yet so pure.

12/21 Wednesday

Shortest day of the year. And another day late on my period. Men will never know what women go through every month. The worry and the stress and how the body reacts to that stress.

I decided to make myself beautiful and met Satya at the HairPolice. I would be honored to have her as my model.

Came up with another idea today for my feminist series. Let the emotion flow. Its weird how I have to let the images brew in my head. I have 2 currently growing in my right brain.

12/22 Thursday

Have you been near a retail area? The shopping malls have become madness. I cannot handle that traffic.

12/23 Friday

I can’t appreciate when a man complains about shaving every day.

As a woman I go through so much to fit into the perfect feminine image I have in my head. I shave my armpits, crotch, legs, and feet [its only a little peach fuzz but I do it]. I pluck my eyebrows, cheeks near my ear, and my cleavage [sometimes]. I paint all of my nails, I pierce my ears and adorn jewelry to my body, I dye my hair, add hair extensions and don’t forgot about makeup.

And why do I do it? Because I am female. I am born into the bondage of beauty.

12/24/05 Xmas Eve

St Paul, MN to Raleigh, NC

Spent time with the pseudo in-laws. Sometimes I feel so lucky to have in-laws that accept me for who I really am.

Had to catch my flight to Raleigh, NC at 7 PM. Took a ca to the house to find my closest family waiting on the front porch for me, drinking Brandy. Felt good to be home [not the place, just with those people.

12/25/05 Xmas Day

Raleigh, NC

Living my life on someone elses couch. My mom gave me some of my grandmothers things, kind of my way of saying goodbye to my grandmother. Had fun with my sister and my family. Drinking scotch, listening to The White Stripes, and talking shit. Good times.

12/26/05 Monday

Raleigh, NC to Floyd, VA

Drove through man small towns in northern North Carolina to Floyd, VA. Stopped at a dive diner and had breakfast. The people there were good for a laugh, their accents beinmg so thick you had to concentrate to understand them. I thank goddedd many days I escaped the south.

12/27/07 Tuesday

Floyd, VA

First time in a long time I got to spend my dads birthday with him. Sometimes I wish I had more time to travel.

Distance does make the heart grow fonder. So true.

12/28/05 Wednesday

Blacksburg, VA

Walked around the campus of Virginia Tech with my sister so she could show me around. It didn’t take too much time. Beautiful gothic architecture of cows and gargoyles. Such a strange mix. Had fun at the duck pond and Japanese gardens, until it started to rain.

12/29/05 Thursday

Raleigh, NC to St. Paul, MN

Another year older. A little wiser.

I miss my family so badly when I spend time with them. It has been so much fun hanging with them. Its that sense of home even when you live so far away.

I must admit though that I missed my personal 1,500 square feet or space. All of my belongings, my cat, my Mr Lucifer. It’s just too bad it is so far away from my family.

Jeremy had balloons and ice cream waiting for me when I got home. He made my birthday so special. Hugs, balloons, whip cream, porn, presents and clothes. What more could a girl ask for? My Red Beard.

12/30/05 Friday

SNOW. Wet, fluffy, dense, pure white snow.

12/31/05 Sunday

After three state in 7 days, I was happy to have a calm quiet New Years Eve. A hockey game, some dinner and drinks. To me that was a great was to bring in the new year.